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  As I’ve worked with clients, I’ve noticed that it can be hard to cut some of these things away. Sometimes we hold on to our “fake work,” even when we know better. Sometimes we’re fearful of saying no because we don’t want to offend or disappoint people. Other times, habit rears its head and we object with a thought like this: “I’ve always done that job.” We slip into what Paul McCartney disapprovingly called a “cozy rut.”1 The work isn’t energizing and doesn’t help us further our key goals and projects, but we’ve grown used to it.

  The bigger obstacle might be your mindset. I’ve worked with dozens of people who feel trapped and bored in their work, but they won’t make a change because change threatens to destabilize their life. They’re focused on what they might lose, not what they’ll gain. Too often, we operate with a scarcity mentality that drives us to hold on to things we should abandon simply because we’re afraid another opportunity won’t come along. Hear me on this: we live in a world of outrageous abundance. The longer I’ve lived, the more I’ve discovered this to be true.

  I don’t really believe in “once in a lifetime” opportunities. There are always more opportunities to be had, and we can’t let the fear of missing out lead us into an overpacked list of demands. I mentioned Michelangelo at the start of the book. Do you think he was worried about knocking off another piece of marble when he knew something beautiful and meaningful could be found underneath? No. Besides, if he did make a mistake, he knew he had plenty of other marble to work with on his way to creating a masterpiece. So, don’t be afraid to grab a chisel and get to work. You’ll never truly thrive as long as you’re carrying around the dead weight of your Drudgery, Disinterest, and Distraction Zones.

  Saying No to New Requests

  Once you understand that time is a zero-sum game, acknowledge the trade-offs you’re making, filter your commitments, and create your Not-to-Do List, it’s time to start saying no. Depending on your current list of tasks and commitments, not to mention the new ones that come flying in fast and furious every day, you’ll probably have to get comfortable saying no a lot. I sure did when I started putting firm boundaries in place. Learning how to say no is a critical piece of your productivity puzzle, so let’s spend some time understanding the finer points of a positive no.

  “No” is rarely a popular response, but that doesn’t mean it must be rude, undignified, or ungraceful. In fact, it’s possible to say no in a positive way that leaves both you and the other person better off than either of you were before. There are two common situations in which you’ll need to decline graciously. First, you’ll need to deal with new requests you haven’t answered yet. Those are easier. The second scenario requires a bit more tact and nuance, not to mention a healthy level of personal integrity. These are things you’ve already committed to that you now know are outside your Desire Zone. There are several strategies for both situations, so let’s get started with the requests you haven’t answered yet.

  No matter how great your productivity system is, nothing can prevent people from making new requests of you. In fact, as you become more productive and efficient, you may develop a reputation for being the go-to person for even more work than ever before. That’s why you must develop a bulletproof strategy for gracefully saying no to new requests that are outside your Desire Zone and ultimately aren’t worth doing. To help, here are five tips for a tactful no.

  1. Acknowledge your resources are finite. Your time and energy are finite resources. We’ve seen that time is fixed, meaning you can’t add to or take away from the hours you have available every day, but what about energy? If it can flex, is it still finite? Absolutely. Even though your energy can flex, it still has limits. You can proactively build up your energy reserves, but you don’t have an infinite amount. At some point, you’ll burn through all you’ve got and find yourself exhausted.

  If you want to avoid total burnout, you’ve got to budget your time and energy much like you’d budget your finances. You don’t have an endless stream of money coming in every month, do you? Of course not. You can make it flex by working extra hours or landing a new account, but your income still has limits. That’s all the money you have to spend for the month, and careful budgeters go into the month with a plan for where every dollar will go. They know that once the money runs out, it’s gone. If they run out of money halfway through the month, they must face the fact that some things just won’t get done until the next payday. They’ve exhausted their financial resources. Your time and energy work the same way. You have only so much to spend, so you need to budget for your high-priority items first.

  2. Determine who needs access to you and who doesn’t. Prioritizing people and projects is one of the biggest challenges for a leader, but it is essential. If you don’t carefully budget your time and energy resources, someone else will. They will overrun you with requests and expectations, stealing every minute and ounce of energy from your day. While an open-door policy sounds like a good idea in theory, in practice it can ensure you never get your own work done. Being a good leader does not mean jumping whenever someone calls. Instead, it means focusing on your most important priorities while having systems in place to make sure everything else gets done without you. If you are the go-to person for every project and problem, your system is fundamentally broken. You can serve only so many people well, so make sure you’re prioritizing the ones who really need your personal and direct attention.

  3. Let your calendar say no for you. One of the best ways to say no is to blame your calendar. You can do this through what’s called time blocking, and it requires a little intentionality on the front end. When we get into my model for my Ideal Week (chap. 7), you’ll see I block chunks of time off for specific high-priority activities. My calendar (and anyone looking at my calendar) sees those blocks as meetings, because they are. I’m scheduling meetings with myself. With my calendar set up this way, I’m prepared to receive incoming requests. When something comes in that doesn’t fit my criteria and interrupts my scheduled activities, I simply say I already have another commitment—which is absolutely true.2

  This may be hard for you, so I’ll say it again. Even if I am in my office by myself working, I am not lying when I say I have another commitment. I am committed to the high-priority tasks I have assigned myself or have already accepted from others. I can’t accept a new request without going back on a commitment I’ve already made, even if that original commitment was to myself. I consider the trade-off, and I let my calendar say no for me.

  4. Adopt a strategy for responding to requests. The best time to plan how to respond to a request is before that request ever hits your desk. You want to adopt a strategy in advance, which will make it much easier to follow through in the moment. Personally, I feel a bit of pressure when someone asks for my time or attention, and if I didn’t know from the outset what I would do in these situations, I’d be a lot more likely to give in to the pressure and take on a task I know I shouldn’t be doing.

  In his book The Power of a Positive No, Harvard professor William Ury outlines four strategies for dealing with demands on our time.3 Three of these strategies do not work, and yet we are all guilty of using them at some point. Only one of the four strategies works, and that one is highly effective almost every time. As we run through each of the four, try to think of a time when you’ve used each approach.

  First is what Ury calls accommodation. We say yes when we really want to say no. This type of response usually comes when we value the relationship with the person making the request more than we value our own interests. We don’t want to cause a conflict or let the person down, so we accommodate their request.

  The second is attack. This is where we say no poorly. It’s the opposite of accommodation. Here we value our own interests more than we value the importance of the relationship with the other person. Our response to the request is often an overreaction born out of irritation, resentment, fear, or pressure. For whatever reason this request hits us the wrong way, and we
attack.

  Third is avoidance. This is where we say nothing at all. We don’t return the call or reply to the email. We act like we didn’t see the text. We simply ignore the request altogether or wait a long time before we respond, hoping the situation will resolve itself without us having to get involved. This usually happens because we’re afraid of offending the other party, but we really do not want to do what they’re asking. As a result, we ignore the problem and hope it goes away. Sadly, it rarely does.

  These three bad responses don’t work individually, and sometimes they even pile up on each other in what Ury calls the “three-A trap.”4 See if this situation sounds familiar: Someone emails asking for your help with something. You don’t want to do it, so you ignore the email (avoidance). A week later they send a second email and make the request again. This annoys you, so you fire back a reply with a harsh or curt no (attack). A couple of hours and maybe an awkward conversation later, you feel guilty for overreacting and reluctantly agree to do what they’ve asked in the form of an apology (accommodation). That’s a vicious cycle of bad responses, and it still ends with you doing the thing you didn’t want to do in the first place.

  Fortunately, there’s a fourth strategy, affirmation. This is the response that works, usually creating a win-win for everyone without causing us to sacrifice either the relationship or our own priorities. This healthy response is what Ury calls a “positive no,” and it’s built around a simple formula with three parts: yes-no-yes.5 It works like this:

  Yes. Say yes to yourself and to protecting what is important to you. This should also include affirming the other person. You don’t want to shame others for thinking of you as a possible solution to their problem.

  No. The answer continues with a matter-of-fact no that is clear and sets boundaries. Do not leave any wiggle room or ambiguity, and do not leave open the possibility that you might be able to do it another time. You aren’t doing anyone any favors by making the person think you might help later if you know you probably won’t.

  Yes. End the response by affirming the relationship again and by offering another solution to the person’s request. That way, you aren’t taking on the responsibility yourself, but you are showing your care and support by helping solve the problem.

  This affirmation strategy is surprisingly easy to implement, and it can save you a world of headaches and frustration.

  Here’s a real-life example of how I use this approach in my daily work. As a former publishing executive, I frequently hear from aspiring authors who ask me to review their book proposals. I get several of these requests every week. I want to honor their hard work and the courage to ask for my participation, but there’s just no way I could read, let alone give meaningful feedback to, every request. So I have crafted a response using Ury’s affirmation strategy.

  First, I begin with a yes: “Congratulations on your new proposal! Very few authors make it this far. Thanks for your interest in having me review it.” Then I move to a no: “Unfortunately, due to my other commitments, I am no longer able to review proposals. Therefore, I must decline.” Notice I didn’t leave any ambiguity or suggest I could look at it later if I find time. I set a clear boundary with a firm no. Finally, I wrap up with a yes: “However, I can give you some guidance on how to get published. If you haven’t already done so, I recommend you start by reading my blog post, ‘Advice to First-Time Authors.’ In it, I offer step-by-step instructions for what to do first. I also have an entire audio course called Get Published, which distills my thirty-plus years of publishing experience into twenty-one learning sessions. I hope you find this helpful.” And, of course, I provide links to the blog post and publishing training. I have this saved as an email template so it’s always handy and ready to go whenever one of these requests hits my inbox. (I’ll share more on email templates in the next chapter.)

  Now imagine several situations you regularly face, say a meeting request, a sales offer, lunch invitation, or a part in a new project that’s not on your list of priorities. The basic yes-no-yes response can fit them all. Affirm the intent, state why you cannot participate, and then reaffirm. Interestingly, I rarely have anyone pressure me after they receive a response using this formula. They normally reply saying something like, “No problem, I understand. Thanks for getting back to me.” I get a negative response occasionally, but that’s to be expected. In fact, that leads us to the fifth and final tip for a tactful no.

  5. Accept the fact that you will be misunderstood. It is important to prepare yourself for a negative response. No matter how graciously you decline, and even though you may say no for all the right reasons, the occasional person will still be disappointed. Sometimes they will express their disappointment to you directly, which is always uncomfortable. When that happens, though, I politely reply by expressing empathy, but also by restating my no. If you don’t respect your own boundaries, no one else will either.

  Disappointing some people in life is inevitable, so make sure you’re not disappointing the ones who matter most, such as yourself or your family. If I said yes to all those requests to review book proposals, for example, I would never get home in time for dinner with my wife or have time to spend with my children and grandchildren. If someone is going to walk away disappointed, I’m going to do everything possible to make sure I’m not disappointing those closest to me.

  Getting Out of Existing Commitments

  Now you know how to handle new requests you haven’t accepted yet, but what about the things you’ve already agreed to do? Chances are, you had a long list of existing commitments before you picked up this book, and now you’re scratching your head wondering what to do with those things that fall outside your Desire Zone that you’ve marked for elimination. Let me be clear here: people of integrity keep their word. In other words, if you have already committed to do something, even if it doesn’t fit into your new framework, you should find a way to honor your commitment. That said, there is nothing wrong with attempting to negotiate out of the commitment. Besides, if you dread doing something or know it’s a poor use of your time, your involvement probably won’t be much of a win for the other person, anyway. At best you’ll give them minimal effort and attention. That is a good reason to reevaluate the agreement, so let’s quickly explore four tips for negotiating out of an existing commitment.

  First, take responsibility for making the commitment. Don’t shift blame or try to play dumb. Sometimes we do this by saying something like, “I didn’t know what I was getting into.” Even if that’s true, you should have clarified the terms before you agreed.

  Second, reaffirm your willingness to honor your commitment. Do not try to weasel out of the deal you made. This will create a lack of trust not only with the person you’re dealing with but also with anyone else who hears about it. Refusing to follow through or help find a solution will damage your reputation, and you want to avoid that.

  Third, explain why honoring your commitment is not the best outcome for the other party. Focus on what’s best for them, not you. No one really cares how this will impact you. All they’re likely to care about is the fact that you made a commitment to them and they expect you to fulfill it—and you should. However, if you help them see that your participation may not be in their best interest, they will become more personally invested in helping you find an alternative solution.

  Fourth, offer to help solve the problem with them. Do not—I repeat, do not—shift the burden off your back by dumping it onto theirs. They will resent it, and they will have every right to. Instead, offer to help find an alternative solution. In the meantime, make it clear that you aren’t walking out on your commitment until you find a mutually agreeable solution.

  Walking through these four steps will ensure you have done everything possible to eliminate the commitment from your list without leaving the other party in the lurch. It will meet their needs and allow you to walk away with a clear conscience and your integrity intact.

  Imagine you’ve agreed t
o serve on a committee, but now you know you have zero passion and zero proficiency to do it well. It is sitting squarely in your Drudgery Zone. How would you get out of it? First, you might go back to the person and say something like, “I appreciate you asking me to help, but now that I’ve gotten involved, I realize I made a mistake in accepting this committee assignment.” Here you’ve taken responsibility for the decision you made. You could continue, “Because I made this commitment and you are depending on me, I am certainly willing to honor it and serve out my term.” This is your reaffirmation. Then you could explain how your participation could inadvertently hurt the project: “That said, I honestly don’t think my involvement serves the committee very well. You need someone who is passionate about the mission and proficient in the area I’m responsible for. Sadly, I’ve realized that I’m neither passionate nor proficient here, and I think I’m taking up a seat that someone more qualified should have.” Then you could move on to the fourth step, offering to help solve the problem. That could sound like, “Would you be willing to release me from my commitment if we could work together to find someone who is better suited for this assignment? I think this would be a win for me, for you, and for this committee.”

  I have had a version of this exact conversation many times, and I’ve used these four steps in a wide variety of situations. I’m happy to report I have never had anyone get upset with me. Sometimes they’ve said no. In those instances I suck it up and follow through with my commitment, giving them my very best effort. That’s exactly what they deserve, by the way; it wasn’t their fault I made a bad decision, and the consequences should fall squarely on me, not them. But many times the other person has agreed to work with me to find a replacement, and we’ve all been better off.